Realizing Unfailing Love

For the longest time I didn’t think I had a testimony. If you’ve ever felt that way I get it. You hear people share these amazing stories of their conversion and how God saved them from drugs, or some type of addiction and now their life is completely different. They sound powerful and amazing, and they are but then you have no such story and feel like you can’t say anything when asked to share your testimony. That was how I felt for years.

What exactly does it mean to have a testimony anyway? According to the dictionary a testimony is “the statement or declaration of a witness”. It is simply telling what you saw or what you know. Isaiah 43:12 says this, “I have revealed and saved and proclaimed – I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses”, declares the Lord, “that I am God.” So, a testimony is simply your story, your experience that declares God is in fact God. But when or how was God revealed to me directly? From what had He saved me personally? What could I say about God being God in my life?

I journal. So, I have a little written history on my quest for a testimony. My first prayer journal began in March of 2003, which was the month after my 1^st wedding anniversary. The honeymoon was over, and I was struggling as a wife and a young mother of an 8-month-old. I did not want to make the wrong decision about my marriage and end up worse off than I was so I looked to the Bible. I wasn’t asking God to help me do what I thought needed to be done I needed God to tell me what I needed to do. I wrote down in my journal whatever I could find about marriage and love. Through this study I realized that being a Christian meant accepting Jesus’ sacrifice and extending love to others, even when they don’t deserve it—just as God loves us. On April 1, 2003, I wrote this prayer.

God, please help me to always keep your sacrifice in mind and to daily connect with you so that I may never lose sight of your love for me so that I may share that love with everyone around me.

The next day I journaled on 1 John 4:7-21 and then I didn’t write again until July 26, 2007. Four years not a word. By now I have two boys, a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. My husband and I were still together but I was numb. I wrote this prayer.

I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to write. I want to feel! I want to be set free!

Over the years, there were long gaps in my journaling, as I went through seasons of numbness, depression, and strained relationships. I wrestled with feelings of rejection and misunderstanding. I went to counseling, church, and a psychiatrist. I went to Bible study groups, read books, and took an online discipleship course. I learned about God’s love and His story of redemption but couldn’t let go of the lies that kept me from believing it applied to me.

November 2018, I finally had to face myself. I had a job that was impossible without God, and I turned to Him to change me for the sake of others. I wrote this prayer.

Lord make me humble and self-sacrificing. Depression is a persistent focus on my faults. Success draws me to think I have done things myself. Whether good or bad I think incessantly about myself. Clear me of selfish ambition and conceit. Make me obedient even if I suffer humiliation. Let me put all my hope and trust in You.

It took a while to face myself. To admit that I was not who I believed myself to be. To learn my true identity in Christ. In 2020, God sent someone to help me. She challenged me daily to think about my real motives for my decisions. I did suffer humiliation to face my conceit and selfish ambition. I was pressed but not crushed. God wanted me to be still and know He is God and in control, but I didn’t know how to be still.

Finally, burn out caught up with me and I stopped striving. In 2023 I left my career. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be anything without a job title but that was a false identity that needed to be discarded. I began to listen for God’s voice and would journal thoughts that came to mind in response to my journal entries. September 3, 2024, I read Daniel 10:12.

Then he said to me, “do not fear, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard; and I have come because of your words”.

That day God put in my mind that from April 1, 2003, He heard me. For the past 21 years He had been working and navigating things in my life to answer my prayer. He reminded me of the things I had cried out to Him in my journals and how all the things He had revealed and allowed over the last 21 years was to give me the deepest longings of my heart.

I write. Writing is dancing and singing for me. I connect daily with God and am consistently reminded of his love. I seek to share His love with others and be considerate of what they need above myself. My hope and trust is in God. I know God is love.

It took 21 years for me to realize the unfailing love that God is. I know His love never fails and am in the process of becoming that love by His grace.  He saved me from myself, and I’ve found peace in trusting Him completely. He chases me and pursues me with grace, mercy and love. Even when I wasn’t reaching out to Him, He was working on my behalf.

My testimony isn’t marked by a single moment of conversion but a long journey of discovery. God is real, and His love and faithfulness are constant. If you give Him a chance, He will prove Himself to you too. Start realizing unfailing love today.